Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
