I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
