All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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