Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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