Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
