3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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