You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Drake has all the answers
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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