So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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