That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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