the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
