I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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