I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
