One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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