and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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