I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
