Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
