I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
