Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
