census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
