Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
