census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
