Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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