What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's never too late to be topless.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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