Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
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His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
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