clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
