Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
