I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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