What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
