Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
