Just fell off a train. Bad.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
