dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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