so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
