I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
