JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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