sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
