I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
