just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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