youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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