I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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