Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
