pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
