my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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