please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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