Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
