I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sext me about skeletons
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
