Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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