First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
