why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
