Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
