I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
