it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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