If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
