if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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