White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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