Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize