90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
