I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
