It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
