I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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