it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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